How To Be Alone
For as long as I can remember, my sister and I have been polar opposites in every aspect of who we are. This could have something to do with our nearly 7 year age gap, but I personally think we were just born liking and disliking entirely different things. At the age of 25, a lot of people probably believe that my sister should be getting ready to "settle down", but according to our conversation the other night, that is not in her plans right now, and I definitely respect that. I, however, catch myself daydreaming about falling in love, getting married to the man of my dreams, and starting a family. I am "that girl" that has a Pinterest board dedicated to my hypothetical wedding. I'm such a sucker for romantic movies. And most importantly, I advocate for love in nearly every form. Why then, have I remained single for my entire 18 years of life?
I think my parents used to worry so much that I would fall in love at a young age and have a reckless relationship, but I've been single for so long now that I think they're advocating for me finding a boyfriend finally. The first thing I would like to point out is that being single is completely a choice.
I so often hear people say,
"Nobody likes me!"
or,
"Why won't anybody date me?"
or my personal favorite,
"I'm going to be alone forever."
Well, yeah, with that attitude you will be! I'm allowed to be a little harsh with this topic because, guilty is charged, I acted this way for a very long time. So let me explain. There will always be SOMEONE out there who finds you attractive, someone who wants to take you on a date, someone who could be interested in you, but you are so busy claiming the "forever alone" card, that you unknowingly turn people away. The problem is, it is so rare that you reciprocate these feelings for these people because they aren't your "type". And that is perfectly fine! You should not feel guilty for not having feelings for someone who has feelings for you. You should not feel guilty for setting high standards for yourself. LOVE SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY.
Phew. Rant over.
On a more serious note, being single is a choice because 99% of the time, options are out there, but you're being selective and/or you haven't found someone that interests you (again, this is completely fine). While I'm not saying everyone should have a giant list of requirements before they even consider dating someone, I do believe people should not settle for less. The reason I have been single for so long is because I am very cautious about dating. As Us The Duo said best, "dating for the fun of it is no longer my game." If I don't see someone as potentially being with me for the long run, I won't invest my time or my heart into something that won't last. I've been on my fair share of dates, but none of them have gone anywhere because there is always some fatal flaw with our dynamic. It's never something superficial like, "oh he isn't 6 feet tall, I can't marry him." For the most part, the main thing I look for in a guy is confidence, and a desire to do great things for himself and the world. Yeah, big shoes to fill, but still very important to me because that's my own outlook on life. Having such "big requirements" has kept me alone for 18 years, but it's been a blessing because I have learned to be alone without being lonely.
The words "alone" and "lonely" are so so SOOOOO different. I can't stress this enough. Alone is a state of being. It simply means you're on your own! Lonely is a feeling, a choice. Being lonely means you're sad about not having others with you. I have not only learned how to be content being alone romantically, but also platonically. Friends aren't always going to be with you either, and you're going to need to learn how to pick yourself up and be your own friend. Having time to myself is a blessing, and a time for me discover more of who I am as an individual. These are three things I began doing to be content with myself and only myself. How To Be Alone 101.
1.) Set personal goals
I began writing down who I wanted to be in 5, 10, 20 years. I would set goals about my appearance, my attitude, my schoolwork, and my life. Writing down these personal goals keeps you focused on making yourself better. And you learn that you are completely capable of being better all on your own.
2.) Take yourself on dates
This one sounds a little odd, but bear with me. I began to go to bookstores on my own. Take myself out to ice cream. Get lunch at a diner. Why do I need other people as an excuse to treat myself?
3.) Keep track of what's good in the world
"But Jamie, what does this have to do with relationships?" Well, nothing, I guess. But it has to do with being lonely. Loneliness stems from sadness. It implies discontent. If you start keeping track of all of the good things happening in the world and in your life, you'll have so many reasons to be happy that being single or lacking companionship won't even be able to bring you down. Just jot down when people smile at you, when something good happens in the news, etc... Who cares! if it makes you smile, write it down!
So these aren't the key to unlock a happy life (sorry), but they can help people to not rely on others to make them happy. Be PROUD of being alone! Become so sure in yourself that you don't need someone else. And stop looking down on others for enjoying their own company. What's so shameful in wanting to make yourself a better person? When you start to work on yourself, you'll be surprised at how much you'll begin to attract more quality people in the process. The ultimate win-win situation!
To the right is an old Instagram post of mine. I remember being overwhelmingly surprised at how many people found me more beautiful because of the positive caption. I remember even feeling more beautiful that morning because I was focused on making myself better. Check out the Ted Talk I listened to here!
I think my parents used to worry so much that I would fall in love at a young age and have a reckless relationship, but I've been single for so long now that I think they're advocating for me finding a boyfriend finally. The first thing I would like to point out is that being single is completely a choice.
I so often hear people say,
"Nobody likes me!"
or,
"Why won't anybody date me?"
or my personal favorite,
"I'm going to be alone forever."
Well, yeah, with that attitude you will be! I'm allowed to be a little harsh with this topic because, guilty is charged, I acted this way for a very long time. So let me explain. There will always be SOMEONE out there who finds you attractive, someone who wants to take you on a date, someone who could be interested in you, but you are so busy claiming the "forever alone" card, that you unknowingly turn people away. The problem is, it is so rare that you reciprocate these feelings for these people because they aren't your "type". And that is perfectly fine! You should not feel guilty for not having feelings for someone who has feelings for you. You should not feel guilty for setting high standards for yourself. LOVE SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY.
Phew. Rant over.
On a more serious note, being single is a choice because 99% of the time, options are out there, but you're being selective and/or you haven't found someone that interests you (again, this is completely fine). While I'm not saying everyone should have a giant list of requirements before they even consider dating someone, I do believe people should not settle for less. The reason I have been single for so long is because I am very cautious about dating. As Us The Duo said best, "dating for the fun of it is no longer my game." If I don't see someone as potentially being with me for the long run, I won't invest my time or my heart into something that won't last. I've been on my fair share of dates, but none of them have gone anywhere because there is always some fatal flaw with our dynamic. It's never something superficial like, "oh he isn't 6 feet tall, I can't marry him." For the most part, the main thing I look for in a guy is confidence, and a desire to do great things for himself and the world. Yeah, big shoes to fill, but still very important to me because that's my own outlook on life. Having such "big requirements" has kept me alone for 18 years, but it's been a blessing because I have learned to be alone without being lonely.
The words "alone" and "lonely" are so so SOOOOO different. I can't stress this enough. Alone is a state of being. It simply means you're on your own! Lonely is a feeling, a choice. Being lonely means you're sad about not having others with you. I have not only learned how to be content being alone romantically, but also platonically. Friends aren't always going to be with you either, and you're going to need to learn how to pick yourself up and be your own friend. Having time to myself is a blessing, and a time for me discover more of who I am as an individual. These are three things I began doing to be content with myself and only myself. How To Be Alone 101.
1.) Set personal goals
I began writing down who I wanted to be in 5, 10, 20 years. I would set goals about my appearance, my attitude, my schoolwork, and my life. Writing down these personal goals keeps you focused on making yourself better. And you learn that you are completely capable of being better all on your own.
2.) Take yourself on dates
This one sounds a little odd, but bear with me. I began to go to bookstores on my own. Take myself out to ice cream. Get lunch at a diner. Why do I need other people as an excuse to treat myself?
3.) Keep track of what's good in the world
"But Jamie, what does this have to do with relationships?" Well, nothing, I guess. But it has to do with being lonely. Loneliness stems from sadness. It implies discontent. If you start keeping track of all of the good things happening in the world and in your life, you'll have so many reasons to be happy that being single or lacking companionship won't even be able to bring you down. Just jot down when people smile at you, when something good happens in the news, etc... Who cares! if it makes you smile, write it down!
So these aren't the key to unlock a happy life (sorry), but they can help people to not rely on others to make them happy. Be PROUD of being alone! Become so sure in yourself that you don't need someone else. And stop looking down on others for enjoying their own company. What's so shameful in wanting to make yourself a better person? When you start to work on yourself, you'll be surprised at how much you'll begin to attract more quality people in the process. The ultimate win-win situation!To the right is an old Instagram post of mine. I remember being overwhelmingly surprised at how many people found me more beautiful because of the positive caption. I remember even feeling more beautiful that morning because I was focused on making myself better. Check out the Ted Talk I listened to here!
Comments
Post a Comment